This is a difficult section of my 52 weeks to talk about. I was grieving my marriage, all the while trying to trudge forward. Shortly after the divorce we sold a marital asset and split the proceeds, and frankly paying off my debts and sticking some money back in savings was the only thing I could really accomplish for a while. I got out of bed every day for my son, I went to work because I didn’t want to get behind for when I did snap out of it. I smiled and nodded when people told me I’d “find something better” and eventually quit bringing it up. Grieving is a tough process, and don’t let anyone else put you on their timeline when you’re working through it. Just understand that the people who stick by you from beginning to end are special, and sometimes it’s going to be just you and God.
So without further ado:
11) 30 days eating veggies– this was my way of making sure I didn’t just survive off of donuts and alcoholic beverages all the time. It was that and celery.
12) Plan birthday party for my son– I went all in on this one. I had a Pinterest board. I shopped on Etsy. I really threw myself into it. And this was the first time that I really let all the usual family drama roll off my back. This actually simplified my life quite a bit, not trying to make everyone happy. I think I’ll stick to this method.
13) Save up one month’s expenses– Yeah, this was supposed to be some major undertaking, but these next five goals honestly all happened in one week and then I jotted them all down and quit trying so hard to accomplish stuff all the time. I just kinda zoned out for a bit…
14) Pay off my credit cards– This week I didn’t have to cross anything off my bucket list but I worked on my apartment anyway. I had a major mold issue crop up during kiddo’s birthday and it was time to start thinking about moving. It was actually good for me, tossing out a bunch of stuff I didn’t need or want any more.
15) 52 weeks of savings challenge– I’m taking the rest of the summer off from school. I just can’t concentrate. But I go over to Russ’ place at least once a week so kiddo can see us getting along and spending time with him together. Oddly enough, we are getting along. Maybe it’s because I’m a zombie. Maybe it’s because I’m just so glad we are doing this for our son’s sake. On a side note, it’s really nice to have my best friend back in small doses so we can at least catch up on our tv shows together. I missed that.
16) Put aside $10 for each challenge– There’s a guy in my life who is really interested in getting serious. He’s been my friend for a while now, since before the divorce, and I kept trying to brush him off but he was very persistent. Well maybe that’s what I need- someone who won’t leave me when stuff gets tough. I’ll think about it. In the meantime, at dinner this week Russ told me that he’s so frustrated with dating and doesn’t think he’ll ever find someone who really gets him and still likes him. “Well I love you,” I said without thinking. He got mad. He didn’t want to hear it. I’m glad I said it anyway- he needs to know he’s not unlovable, especially to someone who really knows him.
17) Pay off all my collections– I have no idea how I feel about the men in my life right now. It’s hard to sort it all out, and of course everyone has an opinion. So instead of trying to figure it out I go back to my housing situation. I’ve been mulling it over for a while, and I think what Jonathan really needs from me more than anything is stability. It would wipe out my savings and then some, but I think what I need to do is buy a house. Put down some roots. With enough time, I think I can do that. I’ll start looking around at what I can afford close to work.
18) Right hand ring symbolizing Ohana– Now here is a goal that is worth talking about. It’s the first one I’ve reached in weeks! When you lose a dream, and then you grieve that dream, eventually you get ready to embrace a new dream. One of the things our marriage counselor (You know, the one I blackmailed my ex husband into going to see? But that’s another story…) had talked about was “levels of reconciliation”. Russ was never interested in reconciling all the way but there was a level just below that where we could spend time together with our new blended family and be genuinely happy for each other. We both embraced that idea. To us, it was the concept of “Ohana” from Lilo and Stitch.
And so I fully embraced this new dream. We agreed not to let new romantic interests meet our son without meeting the other parent. We agreed to share birthdays and holidays and time together with our son, and not to get involved with people who weren’t supportive of this. Which, oddly enough, was proving difficult to do. How very odd. You’d think people would appreciate that we get along. Hmph. So this week I was at the mall and walked by the Pandora display and saw a ring that was two bands woven together. So I bought it, and now I wear it all the time… for me, it symbolizes my faith that somehow my past and my future will weave together to be something truly beautiful.
19) Get approved to buy a house– Ok this one was pretty cool too. My friend Spencer Hawks is a really great real estate agent. I loved working with him. He was so patient with my detail-oriented questions and my semi-stalky tendency to fall in love with a house online and then demand he show it to me ASAP. lol But he knew a mortgage guy that was great to work with and I figured I’d talk to him and see what I needed to fix before I could get approved to buy a house on my own. Turns out, nothing! Um… I just got approved to buy a house.
20) Establish morning routine– I don’t know if you can really call what I do a routine, but at least I’m getting showered, fed, watered, and multi-vitamined every morning now. Which is better than I was doing right after the divorce. I’m excited about my new dreams and that makes it easier to crawl out of bed every day. So you know what? Jotting it down. Gold star for me. I’m human again! No more zombie Sarah. Yay!